I am recording this sat in a hotel bathroom with the lights off so that I don’t have to look at you. It isn’t really working, obviously.
I’m sorry for what happened, and for what I said. I was trying to provoke you, because I felt like you weren’t listening, even though I wasn’t saying anything to be listened to.
Being with you brought me so much joy. You made me so stupidly happy. Kissing you in the Rothko room, surrounded by red, tasting you, it felt divine.
But when we were alone in your house, I was scared.
I was scared because… …because what if I wasn’t good enough, what if i wasn’t gay enough, what if I didn’t get hard when you touched me, what if i was just pretending.
I love you.
But the last person I loved fucked me up so much, and when I saw a future with you, for the first time since them, two years later, what was I supposed to do?
I was supposed to tell you. I was supposed to sit you down and look you in the and tell you,
' ', Beautiful Woman, I Love You, and I’m scared.’
But I was trying to be mature and for some stupid reason being mature means not being scared. Of course, now I know that’s a fucking lie but at the time it felt real.
I didn’t tell you that I was terrified, because what if that upset you. What if that pushed you away. And I tried, I tried so hard. I worked to be vulnerable with you.
But in the end I just couldn’t say it; that when you kissed me I could see everyone around us. That when there was no one, I could see me, staring at myself, getting in the way of loving you.
I can’t remember if I told you, but there was one moment, you were stood in the moonlight behind your little apartment, smoke rising from the joint between your lips. I don’t know if it was the way your legs had crossed, or the softness of your gaze, or the gentle smirk on your lips, but I saw you, for the first time.
The most beautiful woman in the whole world was right there in front of me.
And she loved me.
And she could hurt me, she could hurt me whenever she wanted.
She could break up with me, she could push me away, she could learn who I was on the inside and realise that she loved a lie and then what would I do?
And then you were on top of me and your were kissing me and my head was of fucking full of Marijuana and tiredness and confusion and fear and you were kissing me and I couldn’t stop thinking.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just wanted to be with you.
I just wanted to be with the woman I loved for a moment.
I just wanted to get out of my head and feel your lips on mine and kiss you and see red again.
All my love and stupidity,
Recorded in Thon Hotel Otta, Norway, on the 10th October 2019 with minor edits made during transcription.
Image of my bathroom back in Cambridge to stop it showing that Gremlin Picture from the last post